From my childhood, grew a dream that followed me into my adulthood. It was a dream that stemmed from a question asked of me by my fifth-grade teacher; after reading the short story I’d written for her class assignment. “Have you ever thought of becoming a writer,” she’d asked. As an avid reader, I’d always had a love for the written word, but the thought of becoming a writer had never crossed my young mind. Answering my teacher with a back-and-forth headshaking, I remember the happiness that fluttered within me as she quietly said to me, “you should.”
That simple question opened a door to a dream of becoming a best-selling author and seeing my book on the New York Times best seller’s list, more so seeing my name on that list. My knack for words soon sparked a flame and being a writer was all that I could think about. I carried notebooks around with me, so that whenever the opportunity to write would arise, I’d be prepared.
Fast forward many years later, when as a young adult, I got my first short story published in a national magazine, and peppered throughout my adulthood, I enjoyed the blessing of having several of my short stories published in best-selling books. However, having my own book published had eluded me, as did my dream to be on the New York Times best seller list. Regardless of being a published author, I was still unknown to those publishers with the power to bring my dream to fruition. Publishers required writers with agents and agents required writers with books that were marketable. It was the equivalence of someone needing experience in order to get a job, but was unable to provide the experience without first getting the job. Eventually, I put my dream on the back burner and life continued on.
After experiencing what I had endured in my place of employment, my church, (see my post “Church is not a building and men are not God,”) I found myself writing a book about my experience.
The words flowed easily, as my feelings of hurt, anger and disappointment appeared on my computer screen. Within three months of writing, a book was written and I aptly titled it, The Lies My Pastor Told Me.
I found myself certain that the title alone would make my book marketable and so life was again breathed into my dream of being on the New York Times best seller list. Even though at this point in my life, where books were mostly obsolete, I wasn’t even certain that the New York Times best seller list was still a thing. It didn’t matter, I felt certain that this book was meant to be published. I felt equally certain that God had willed me to write the book.
Sometimes we want something so badly that everything else around us disappears and our vision becomes clouded with selfish motives. God knew that getting my book published held selfish motives, even if at the time I didn’t know that myself, but no worries, He was going to take the time to teach me a very valuable lesson of how to be selfless in a selfish world. After all, one of the main ingredients to being a Christian is being selfless.
Excited about having my book published, I started reaching out to agents, knowing that publishers would not give me the time of day without an agent. I didn’t think for one second that I wouldn’t be able to get an agent, after all, I was certain that God was in the driver’s seat of this whole plan concocted in my head.
It was a heart pounding moment when an agent took interest in my book, intrigued by the summary I’d sent to him, as well as by the title. At his request, I sent him my manuscript. I did my best to not check my emails every five seconds, until eventually I stopped thinking about the book all together. Of course, with the exception of when I had that nagging feeling that it wasn’t the book meant to be published. Lingering in the back of my mind was a book that I’d started nearly ten years earlier, but had never finished. The same book that God had told me years earlier that I would write. It was the testimony of my life and all the amazing things that God had done for me; it was a book meant to be shared with others. For that reason, I felt God putting that book first and foremost in my mind, and so when I received an e-mail from the agent, telling me that he’d like to set up a phone meeting, it wasn’t the book I’d sent him that was on my mind, but the one that remained unfinished.
When that phone meeting took place, I remember the agent telling me that I had a way with getting my point across through my writing, and then came his question, “As an inspirational author, do you really feel that this is the type of book that you want people to read from you?”
Although he was interested in the book, he seemed more interested in what I wanted readers to get from that book, how they would feel about trusting pastors after reading it. The question of the hour for myself was, “why did I want my book published?” Was it to have my dream or was it to shine a light on what my pastor had done? Neither of which was a good reason to have my book published. Somewhere in the midst of mulling over the agent’s question, my mouth seemed to develop a mind of its own, disregarding any chance of getting that book published when I spoke, “God is telling me it’s not meant to be published.”
The agent’s silent voice, allowed me to continue by saying what I knew to be true, God had another book in mind that He wanted people to read. I felt certain that “The Lies My Pastor Told Me”, had been written as a healing process for myself, but it was the book that was unfinished, the one that God had told me years ago that I would write, it was the one that God wanted me to let others read.
I explained to the agent how my other book, “Doubting Faithful” was the one that I felt God wanted me to share with others. In explaining the premise of the book and that it was unfinished, the agent was willing to wait for me to finish it and as soon as I did, he wanted to read it.
Finally, the time was now to finish what God had willed me a decade ago to start, He wanted me to share my testimony with others. I spent several weeks, working diligently on that book and once finished, forwarded it to my newly signed agent.
Several weeks later, my agent reached out to me, excited by my book, telling me that he would start sending it out to publishers right away. Several months later I had a book contract in my hand. I felt the excitement within me, anticipating that I would soon see my book on the New York Times best seller list. After all, God had told me years earlier that I was going to write it, giving me not only the title, but also what the cover of my book would look like. I was feeling like Charlie in Willie Wonka in that moment, when I felt God speak gently to my heart, “Give it away.”
I wanted to pretend that I didn’t know exactly what He meant by that, but I knew without any doubt in my mind what God was willing me to do. I remember feeling nervous when telling my husband that I was certain God was expecting me to turn down the contract and to give my book away instead. My husband’s reply was exactly what I would have expected from him. “You know what God’s telling you to do and so that’s what you need to do,” he assured me.
I knew that my testimony wasn’t supposed to be about me getting accolades, it needed to be about God getting the much-deserved glory for what He’d done in my life. There was no value in having my name recognized for something that God had helped me to write. After all, He was the reason that my book existed in the first place. I suddenly realized the frivolity of that childhood dream. None of this life has anything to do with me, but everything to do with Him and His love for me, His love for all of us, and that, is better than any dream I could have ever imagined . . .